Dealing with the death of a friend or family member is probably one of the most difficult things for parents to discuss with their children.
How much should a parent tell their child about death? Should they be included in funeral ceremonies? How much detail should you go into? Should you openly show grief in front of your children or try to keep up a brave face and not show your emotions?
All of these are difficult questions to answer. And obviously it is different for every child and every situation. Some children are able to comprehend the enormity of the situation with a surprising degree of maturity, while others may be better suited to only have bits and pieces of information.
These are all questions that we were faced with in our home this past week after Bob, a good friend and life-long neighbor to my parents, passed away unexpectedly. It marked the first time that someone our children had come to know had died and my wife and I were a bit unsure how to handle it.
We had just visited with him on Halloween night. It was an annual tradition of once trick-or-treating was done; we go to my parents’ house and then across the street to see Bob and his wife Joan. Our girls loved the way he would tease them playfully.
So when we learned of his untimely death, we were at a loss as to how to bring the subject up.
Fortunately, there are a lot of resources available on the Internet to help parents who have questions about explaining death to young children.
The website, www.kidshealth.org, suggests the best things parents can be do is be honest with your children and encourage them to ask questions. We may not have all the answers to those questions, but keeping an open line of communication is important.
The website suggests avoiding the euphemism that the person “went away” or that they “went to sleep and didn’t wake up” because that could create problems down the road where a child may be afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of not waking.
Pre-teen and teens are more apt to have a better grasp of death, but that doesn’t mean that they have a full understanding of it. Many may think that they can simply wish for their friend or loved one to be healed.
My wife tried her best to explain to our children that sometimes a person’s body stops working and doctors are not able to save them. She also was sure to include that Bob was now in Heaven with God, in order to reaffirm the spiritual connection we have been trying to develop in our children.
It was eye opening to say the least. The sudden loss of a friend or loved one is a none-too-subtle reminder that time is fleeting and things you think can be put off to another day, month or year may simply not be the case.
Joseph Cyr is a staff writer for the Houlton Pioneer Times. He can be reached at pioneertimes @nepublish.com or 532-2281.
