Performed by Callee McBreairty
Today’s my anniversary. That’s right. Four years ago today, I began a new life – a life of captivity – a life of torture. I got…..braces. Four years later, and they’re still attached to my teeth, just waiting for another opportunity to ruin my life.
Let’s discuss wax. It comes from bees. It comes from your ears. You make candles with it. You don’t stick it on your teeth. What were orthodontists thinking anyway. Oh! And rubber bands. Let’s talk about rubber bands, shall we?! Last I checked, rubber bands were for holding newspapers together, not my teeth. But, you know, I can deal with wax and rubber bands. I can deal with aching teeth. I can even deal with the headgear, but nothing, NOTHING comes close to my biggest enemy: wonder bread sandwiches.
Have you ever noticed that when you eat wonder bread sandwiches, they get, well, sticky. Add in metal brackets, and you can raise the sticky factor to the 20th power. So you’re sitting there eating your wonder bread sandwich at lunch, when you realize, you’ve got a wonder bread sandwich particle stuck in your braces. So you immediately go to Plan A: the tongue method. (Demonstrate) You’re feeling around, trying to get that sucker out with your tongue – inconspicuously, of course! Well, the tongue method’s not working. Time for…….Plan B: the suction method. Everyone knows that if you close your mouth and suck in, you will create a make-shift vacuum. So if a vacuum works on carpet, why not your mouth? Am I right? So you begin the suction process. (Demonstrate) while still trying to carry on your conversation, mind you. (Sigh) That wonder bread sandwich particle has beaten you again! (Act like the bread is your enemy) so……..Plan C: the finger method. By this time, you’ve past inconspicuousness and moved right on ahead to looking like a bit of a nerd, but no matter how hard you try, your pinky just won’t fit in between those two little brackets. Alas, you turn to the dreaded Last Resort!
Plan D: ……..hold on, allow me to explain this one . You remember that little toothpick looking thing your dad made you promise to carry around but you vowed you’d never use it in public? Yes, well, there’s no turning back now. You look around and say, “all right wonder bread sandwich particle, you’ve beaten me for the last time. I’m coming in!” So you plunge right in with that toothpick and ………
Success! You’ve done it! You’ve beaten the wonder bread sandwich particle. But Another predicament! What to do with the particle on the toothpick??? What to do, what to do. You can’t eat it, you can’t set it on the table and pretend it hasn’t been in your mouth all this time, and you can’t just get up and go to the garbage holding a half-eaten wonder bread sandwich particle.
Meanwhile, as you’re deciding what the best plan of action is, that cute boy walks by. You know the one, and he’s looking in your direction. Sort of, but that doesn’t matter! He’s looking at your whole half of the lunchroom!!!! Your heart’s pounding fast, you’re hair’s looking frizzy again, you can’t think of what to say, and you just want to scream! Okay, calm down. But then, he gives you that funny look, like this. (Demonstrate) oh no, what have you done wrong? Was it obvious that you adore the ground he even looks at, let alone walks on? And then it hits you. You’re still holding the wonder bread sandwich particle on the toothpick, and you just want to die……(fade out, beat).
Yeah, that’s what I said! There’s a conspiracy against the youth of America. One by one the wonder bread sandwich company is crushing the dreams of teenagers everywhere! (back to reality, realizes the audience is still there) So there you have it. Just one simple way that braces ruin my life. My dad says it will all be worth it when my teeth are straight and perfect, but who wants to be perfect anyway? …………yeah, me too.
