Killing your garden in just 12 easy steps!

If the TLC you provide your garden really means torturous, leafy crucifixion, then you’re probably familiar with the following 12 steps of how not to grow a garden.
Step 1) Grab a shovel from the garage and dig a hole somewhere  — anywhere will do.
Step 2) Go to the gardening store of choice and buy a flat of flowers that look sturdy; make sure you read the informative tag so you can feel confident about the purchase before you inevitably kill it.
Step 3) Bring home your plants and let them sit in the garage for a day, ignored. When finding the time to plant your plants three days later, realize that the hole you dug is too deep and in the wrong place, but qualify that the informative tag is really just a guideline and that the plant can still thrive if you really, really love it.
Step 4)  Carefully measure out some plant food and place it in the bottom of the hole. Think to yourself “I really like food, so I’m sure this plant really likes food, too” and sprinkle in more plant food, plus a few Oreo cookies and maybe a magazine (in case the plant gets bored).
Step 5) Squeeze the sides of the plant’s plastic container to help pop it out of the pot. Carefully remove the plant from the plastic, undoubtedly tearing half the roots off, and break apart the other half of the roots because you think you remember seeing on the internet how you were supposed to do that.
Step 6) Rejoice in the wonderful, newly planted flowers and bask in the lie that they will survive.
Step 7) Tend to the garden, removing any weeds that crop up. Mistakenly uproot your plant during some overzealous weeding, and shove it back in the ground really quickly so no one notices. Observe that the soil looks a little dry even when it’s not, and be sure to thoroughly saturate the soil with the garden hose until little ponds start speckling its surface. Job well done!
Step 8) Accidentally touch a great big spider while weeding and shriek like a child in a haunted house. Look around with darting eyes to make sure no one saw —  wave nonchalantly to the neighbors who did.
Step 9) Check the garden; has it grown like Godzilla to produce flowers the size of dinner plates? If not, liberally apply additional plant food, and follow with a good soaking with the garden hose. We’re talking drain-the-Aroostook-River sized soaking. Repeat every day of the week.
Step 10) Notice how all your plants are turning yellow — probably from lack of watering. Fix that problem by water them once more.
Step 11) When the water from the garden starts flooding the basement, it’s a good indication that you’ve been a bit too generous with the libations. To compensate for the over-watering, completely neglect your garden for the next two or three weeks. Desertification will even everything out.
Step 12) Allow the weeds to consume your dead garden to give the allusion that something is growing. Tell the neighbors that milkweed is susceptible to northern Maine’s cold winters, and you’re doing your part to keep the species thriving. If they buy that story … give your spare house key to the other neighbors.