Spring is finally here. This from the number of signs on the side of the road hawking clean fiddleheads. Back roads are crowded with the fans of the fern. Of late, Mapleton, Chapman and Castle Hill have been besieged by a madcap character with a large knife. Reports have flooded in of green leaves in a heap, with smoking tire treads the only sign of who was there.
Bear and moose have complained about this to the Game Wardens and Forest Wardens. The deer have taken to leaping small cars and running through the fields at any mention of the Mad massacrist running amok in their territory.
“It was so scary. She came out of nowhere yelling,” said one mother moose with calf. “What’s the world coming to?”
“We have to bark to warn our neighbors now. Used to be we only barked at old jalopies and tractors in the driveway,” said a boxer with an overbite.
This was at the scene of the latest massacre. In the middle of a field where an old house had been was a heap of green leaves. A perimeter had been established and the State Crime Lab technicians were busy documenting the legless leaves and taking statements. A tracking dog was on the scent.
Danger lurks in the yards and fields of Mapleton.
“This morning, this citizen was sitting in his yard spreading out his leaves. An unknown assailant came off the street waving a large knife and yelling. Neighbors were stunned at how quickly the attack came.”
Law enforcement responded but were not able to arrive in time.
“What’s left is a pile of green leaves and no stalks. We believe that this was an attack from the Rhubarb Rub-Out Gang,” said Lieutenant S. Kunkle from his black-and-white outside the Mapleton Diner. The impromptu press conference then broke up and the various members of law enforcement went in to enjoy lunch.
At the top of the menu was fiddlehead quiche — swallowed quickly with hot coffee a plenty. Then came dessert, strawberry rhubarb pie, rhubarb cheesecake and rhubarb oatmeal. The front counter was loaded with stalks and stalks of rhubarb. A chopping sound could be heard behind that pile of stalks.
The Mad Massacrist had a very big grin on her face.
Enjoy your rhubarb and fiddleheads.
Orpheus Allison is a photojournalist living in The County who graduated from UMPI and earned a master of liberal arts degree from the University of North Carolina. He began his journalism career at WAGM television later working in many different areas of the US. After 20 years of television he changed careers and taught in China and Korea.
