‘Look Out, Here I Come’ drivers a cause for concern

To the editor:
At the risk of being labeled a curmudgeon (a risk gladly taken), I need to point out some driving pet peeves of mine that I observe daily whilst traversing the highways and byways of Maine.
The scourge of untalented, unconcerned, and/or inconsiderate drivers, dubbed henceforth “Look Out, Here I Come” drivers, or just LOHIC (pronounced low-hick) for short, has become a problem of pandemic proportions at least as dire as the end-of-the-world predictions of the global warmers. I say that drastic measures are in order, perhaps every LOHIC (and you know who you are) should be compelled to purchase “driving offsets” from good drivers (like me, of course) to make up for their loutish habits. That will surely solve the issue. A nice LOHIC tattoo in a rainbow of bright colors across the forehead would also do nicely. At any rate, on to the LOHIC list of shame.
Turn signals – Contrary to LOHIC opinion, the turn signal lever is not connected to the driver’s brain via wireless cerebral transmission. Believe it or not, in order to make the signal work, you must move the lever up to signal a right turn or down to signal a left turn. Up or down. Stay with me LOHICs. The lever on the left side of the steering column. Up or down. You might also want to consider engaging the signal lever before standing on the brake pedal to start your rapid descent from 60 to 15 mph to negotiate the turn that you should have prepared for 300 feet earlier. Just a thought.
Turning onto a four-lane road – LOHICs think that those white dashes in the center of the road are simply decoration and you get to play “Let’s Make a Deal” when turning onto a multi-lane road. Let’s see, lane 1 or lane 2, oh gee I can’t decide Monty! No, no, no. You get to use the lane nearest you when you complete the turn, Mr. or Ms. LOHIC. Right turn to the right lane, left turn to the left lane. You don’t have the option of choosing which will have the bigger prize. Of course, hanging up the cell phone makes negotiating the turn less difficult, but I know how important it is for you to continue the emergency discussion about what to have for dinner with your LOHIC spouse.
Stop signs – For all you LOHICs, a stop sign is the eight-sided red sign with the giant letters S-T-O-P on the front. I know that LOHICs tend to experience a state of mindlock when confronted with bright colors and words over three letters, but you will just have to do your best to concentrate. Wipe the drool from the corner of your mouth (it’s spilling onto your cell phone anyway) and try to apply the brakes in a smooth, even manner until you come to a full stop. This especially goes for all you LOHICs coming off the night shift at McCain and Huber turning west onto the Conant Road from the Station Road. Yes, that’s a stop sign there on the corner, not just a target for the bird shot coming from some drunk’s 20-gauge shotgun after a particularly frisky night of consuming adult beverages. Stop means stop, not step on it if you see someone coming from the east so you can get in front of them and save yourself a grand total of 1.2 seconds on your trip to Presque Isle.
Parking lots – LOHICs love parking lots because they get to ignore all the lines on the pavement, not just the white dashes that separate the lanes on Main Street. Parking lots are LOHIC central. One needs only to enter the white knuckle world of the Marden’s lot on a Saturday afternoon to test their mettle against a LOHIC in his natural environment. Yes, you’re on their turf now and you are prey. If you want to reach the promised land of discount golf clubs, you are just going to have to don your most effective camouflage and brave the LOHIC infested waters of the parking lot. They will come at you fast and from all directions so you better have your “A” game.
Since LOHICs can likely only take cognitive notice of a few items at a time, I’ll stop here. For all you drivers that actually obey the rules of the road, remember to ask for your driving offset fees when you spot a LOHIC doing what they do best.
Randy Bacon
Easton