BUG GUTS & Beauty
By Orpheus Allison
Politicitis! The Star City is about to be inundated by hundreds of new cases of this dreaded disease. The Maine Center for Disease control has no cure available! It is now time to panic.
Politicitis is an inflammatory disease caused by an overabundance of political signs, bumper stickers, and pompous opinions expressed at the coffee shop. It is highly contagious. While it is contagious, it does not appear to be life threatening at this time. With appropriate precautions and responses, the infection will pass.
Local health authorities are prepared for any complications should the need arise for a more severe response. At this time the best advice is remain calm, pour a cup of coffee or tea, and enjoy a fresh donut. A mouth full of donut is less susceptible to fulminations of fervency. And as your parents taught you, “Do not talk with your mouth full!”
In the early stages, Politicitis appears when the first candidates toss their hats into the ring. Often this infection starts when the previous election turns out one collection of ne’er-do-wells for another. The infection is characterized by an intense itching of the scalp caused by incredulity. How did they win? It is not to be mistaken for dandruff.
Should a patient show signs of intense scratching and collecting signatures, seek immediate help. Straightjackets are a last resort.
After the primary infection there will be a lull in the infection between the last primary and Labor Day. Often the signs and symptoms will disappear lulling the public into a false sense of relief. Exercise extreme caution when encountering said individuals as the least provocation can cause of recurrence of symptoms with catastrophic results. Invest in a good book, lots of bedcovers, and a decent flashlight.
Politicitis can proceed rapidly. From one small patch on a single lawn to walls of infection at major intersections. Here are some simple rules that will help to lessen the impact. Usually the signs of infection will be small signs no larger than an 8- by 10-inch sheet stapled to a simple stick. As this illness progresses, signs will get larger.
In the early stages the sheet will have a picture of the candidate and some silly slogan like, “Backward into Tomorrow”. Later stages are identifiable with single words filling the whole sheet and those sheets getting much larger. At this stage, various apparatus of the cell meiosis work overtime to create gametes and daughter cells. The disease enters its virulent stage.
Do not attempt to remove these visible signs of contagion. Doing so can result in assaults, frayed tempers, and invitations to see a judge. Police are busy enough as it is with routine patrols. Disturbing the peace also results in a deeper infestation.
The police will remove signs that block vision or pose an imminent threat to public safety. This will be determined on a case by case basis. Removal of infection is a job only for trained professionals. Consult your local attorney.
Should your neighbor find his lawn infected there are some simple strategies that can keep the disease at bay. The best method for safeguarding one’s lawn is to apply pink flamingos and toilet paper to the infected area. The more pink flamingos and toilet paper the lesser the infection.
An alternative is to make your own sign using large words for emphasis. Constipation, conniption, and confusion are excellent alternatives to political signs. Smiling, giggling, and running through the streets waving a cheese hat are other efficacious salves. Also effective are chicken chasing, coon baiting, and skunk kissing. It is not know if moose hugging is as effective though latest word is that the Governor’s Office is funding research in moose hugging.
Should there be signs that the afflicted is foaming at the mouth, gesticulating wildly, and otherwise causing stomach upset, stuff a donut in their mouth and run. Your donut shop stands ready to help.
This infection while dangerous at this time will pass. With prudence, grandma’s feather bed, and a dose of reality, the infection should clear up on its own in about five weeks. Until then pull the covers up over the head, turn on the flashlight, and read a good book.
Orpheus Allison is a photojournalist living in The County who graduated from UMPI and earned a master of liberal arts degree from the University of North Carolina. He began his journalism career at WAGM television later working in many different areas of the US. After 20 years of television he changed careers and taught in China and Korea.
